DIVISION I

JEFF HIGGINS, 4 hcp

AARON RUSSELL, +3 hcp

Higgins and Russell, Russell and Higgins. This duo is at it yet again for, we think, the 100th time. Let's start with Russell, a former UW baseball alum and soon to be second time papa, who hits the ball further than Babe Ruth, but with the accuracy like Helen Keller driving down 405 while asking Forrest Gump for a piece of chocolate. You never know what your gonna get. Sometimes its in, sometimes it it ends up over a house and on 24th Street. Now let's talk about "grandpa". No, he's not old, well not that old, but has just become a recent grandfather over the past couple months. Will he take this tournament seriously, or will he be called upon for help with midnight feedings and bottle prep? Well, we can tell you it may not be the late night feedings but bottle prep you can be sure of. Jack, Jim, Jameson, Jose... you name it he will be ready. This could be the year for this twosome, only if the "Magic Asparagus" is kept in check. Oh wait, or it could have been Cauliflower or Mushrooms. Team handicap: 1. Odds of winning: 17-1.

BRYAN STEVENS, +3 hcp

Now this is going to be fun. No, not their golf game. Let's just thank God these two aren't in the same flight as and paired up with Gregov & Crozier. We aren't sure who is slower, Stevens standing over a golf ball or Joe Biden waiting for the Viagra to kick in and trying to remember if he was President or not. Some say the best way to fall asleep is to count sheep or read a book. Give Stevens' pre-shot routine there's no need for sleep aides, melatonin, or Tylenol PM. Having said that, Stevens' golf game is solid and this current teaching pro at Aldera can beat the field at any time. He's that solid. Who is this Niedermeier guy? No he is not part of the Oscar Meyer Niedermeier clan, but is another guest who grew up in Tamo with a pretty damn good golf game. Rumors have it, he is still trying to bring back the Balata Ball and Member's Only jacket. If his game is still as strong as it was in his glory days these guys could run away with the tournament. Team handicap: 1. Odds of winning 6-1.

KURT NIEDERMEIER, 4 hcp

BRIAN CLARK, 1 hcp

"Beuller? Beuller? Anyone?" No this isn't that Ferris, it is Chris Faris, formerly of the Tri Cities and Kennewick high schools. You got that right gentlemen: former most likely to succeed, former going to be America's next Top Model... ahh hell, who are we kidding? He was 100% voted as the class smart ass. Some say the '67 metallic mint green Buick Skylark that Ralph Macchio was driving had a cleaner filter than Faris. No Positraction with this guy, he says it like it is. Let's just hope he has a golf game to back it up, which rumor has it, he is a pretty decent stick. Teaming up with Clark, yes you heard that correctly, Mr. Griswold is going to be joining us this year. He had plans for a return visit to Walley World, but when he heard about the world renowned Men's Club Tam O'Shanter Invitational, he told his family and Aunt Edna they are on their own. Clark, who is playing to a low single digit handicap, has been spotted on numerous occasions playing in the weekly Men's Club skins games. Here's a great conversation starter: ask Clark how many skins he has tallied up over the last 2-3 months. This twosome could be a handful unless you open up the liquor cabinet and let the Sausage King of Chicago, Faris, have at it. We are liking their chances this year. Team handicap: 5. Odds of winning 14-1.

CHRIS FARIS, 4 hcp

GREG WIRTH, 9 hcp

Welcome back team David & Goliath. Yes, you heard that correctly. "Spoon Dr." aka "Mr. Chuttersworth" aka "Chutter Bay Bisquits" aka "My Chutter is Butter", the former Chairman himself, no I don't know what an Iron looks like, Wirth. And his partner, "Mr. Bombs Away" aka "The Birdie Man" aka "My Playing Partner Shouldn't Be Allowed To Write These Profile Bios". These past tournament champions still hold the lowest finals alt shot score of +1 and are looking to repeat. Can Allen keep Wirth on his "Tic Tac" schedule? Can Allen and his +3 handicap stay healthy up until tee off? We shall see if he is still able to "Hit Bombs and bang...." (ask him about his tee shirt with this quote), This could possibly be the last year you see these two pair up where the sunset is starting to fade, the luster is wearing off the leather, and who knows if Wirth will be here in a year. Just give him another house to remodel to keep him in the neighborhood. Team handicap: 6. Odds of winning 7-1.

CHRIS ALLEN, +3 hcp

WESTON MACDONALD, 4 hcp

Moving up in divisions from previous years, we have our very own Men's Club weekly skins game organizer. Macdonald has been hot, then cold, he's yes and he's no (he is a Katy Perry fanboy) with the monthly skins count, but he was able to get his name on the annual skins plaque last year. Macdonald has invited Nelson back for another year of laughter, smiles, tears, and anguish. How can we forget the drama that ensued the year their ball ended at the uprooted Willow tree roots in the finals? It's a nightmare that both of them recount with odd accuracy when telling the story of how they almost won this tournament. Could this be the year they pull it off? With a team handicap like theirs in this division, they just might be able to. Team handicap: 12. Odds of winning 7-1.

JARED NELSON, 8 hcp

DAMON FORD, 9 hcp

Will this be the year for these two? Will Daniel finally bring his so called "5" (cough, cough, yeah right) handicap to Tam o'Shanter? This twosome has finally landed in Division I where they definitely have a stroke advantage on the field. Stroke has multiple meanings here. Their team handicap could cause the rest in this division to have a stroke. Fire up the tequila, vodka, gummies, and all the other libations out there, this Bo and Luke Duke twosome will be coming in hotter to their tee time faster than the General Lee being chased by Rosco Pico Train. Can these guys pull it off this year? Some are very optimistic and others just don't give a damn. The tournament chairs may be holding an ace up their sleeve come Calcutta time. Team handicap: 14. Odds of winning 18-1.

BRIAN DANIEL, 5 hcp

PLAYER PROFILES

DIVISION II

KYLE KUYKENDALL, 9 hcp

We know Kuykendall as our very own Men's Club VP, Elite Sponsor of our major tournaments, and recent shift to Legacy Investment Consulting Group of Wells Fargo Advisors. (How's that for another plug, Kuykendall? But you really need a shorter name... company name, not last name. Although the last name is pretty long too.) But not too much is known about new guest, Peelen, other than he hales from a golf club down the road, Glendale. Can Team KP (their last names, not that they are going to with KPs) climb the divisional charts? We can only assume that Kuykendall is bringing in a divisional ringer to help get them to the finals (again). The strategy of laying low and bringing in unknowns so that your team doesn't get bid on in Calcutta won't work out this time. We're on to you. Team handicap: 14. Odds of winning 14-1.

TANNER PEELEN, 5 hcp

MARK PFLEGER, 10 hcp

It has been a long time since this 2011 championship pairing has teamed up. Back in the day they were known as Laurel & Hardy, or for the younger generation you may prefer Beavis & Butthead. These two go better together than peanut butter & jelly. With Doc's smooth swing he can easily shoot 6-7 strokes under his handicap, but then again a blind squirrel does find a nut every once in awhile. How many times are we going to here the term, "Oh rats," after an errant tee shot or his partner, Percich, missing a 14" putt? I don't see the latter happening as Percich is cool as a can of Coors Light sitting high atop the Rockies. We meant the mountains, not the baseball team who is on pace to finish with the worst record ever in baseball. Don't let that discourage you from putting a little money on this team. They could surprise you. Team handicap: 14. Odds of winning 9-1.

GREGG PERCICH, 4 hcp

CHRIS WHEELER, 7 hcp

Wheeler and Lowe are becoming as synonymous as skis and poles, ham and eggs, crepes and Nutella... and the list goes on. Wheeler is the guy who brings a spreadsheet to a scramble and can calculate your net worth mid-backswing. His swing is tighter than his budget. He putts like he’s filing taxes—slow, careful, and occasionally cries during it. Lowe
used to blocked 300-pound linemen for a living. Now he’s battling sand traps like they owe him money. He doesn’t always know where the ball went, but he felt like it was a good swing. Every tee shot is launched like it’s the opening kickoff—and usually lands in a different fairway. Wheeler calculates risk. Lowe is the risk. Together, they’re a beautiful disaster of spreadsheets and sweatbands. You never know what you're gonna get—except entertainment and at least one penalty flag per hole. Team handicap: 17. Odds of winning 15-1.

OMARE LOWE, 10 hcp

JEFF SASS, 9 hcp

"We have a 911 emergency." "Yes, dispatch, go ahead." "Somebody stepped on Jeff Sass' lawn. Please send out a 1042 APB and search the area for suspects immediately." We also have a 501 in progress where this father-son twosome of Sass & Sass are extremely armed and dangerous. Calling for backup! Butch Harmon is in pursuit to see if he can get Jeff's swing back in time for the tournament. He's been a bit shaky of late but when this guy's game is on, slam the cell door shut and throw away the key. You are not posting bail or beating this guy. Now for the other Sass. We've heard myths he grew up in Tam o'Shanter and has a pretty good golf game. But those same myth-sayers say if you drink enough beer in one night you can make Rosie O'Donell look like Charlize Theron. The boys in blue are betting big on this twosome as some say they have been on the pro's payroll the past few months. Could be the Dark Horse this year. Team handicap: 18. Odds of winning 15-1.

JASON SASS, 9 hcp

JON PETERSEN, 16 hcp

This has been quite the year for Petersen. He's upgraded his golf cart. He's upgraded his handicap. What he didn't account for was upgrading to a new division this year. But JP has brought his trusty ringer brother-in-law, Craighead, who prefers to refer to his hometown as Enumscratch, not Enumclaw. Petersen and Craighead have always managed to find themselves making it to the finals. Let's see if Division II is as favorable to them as the other Divisions have been. Team handicap: 19. Odds of winning 10-1.

BEN CRAIGHEAD, 3 hcp

DALE DENNY, 10 hcp

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Not sure if Tamo is ready for this twosome. Do we have enough whiskey, beer, and cigars to make it through the weekend? This tournament is shaping up to be a reunion for a number of folks whom used to live in Tam o'Shanter. Forsen, a former club champion who now lives in the outskirts of Wenatchee, or was it Cle Elum, okay it could be Yakima, but who the hell cares, he hasn't played golf competitively in years. Break out the smokes, and ensure Rainier's factory is up and running for the weekend as some say he, and he alone, kept them in business for the last 40 years. Just make sure your golf cart is nowhere near this guy, you may need comprehensive insurance if shots start going errant and golf clubs come a flying. Now onto Denny, one half of the champions team. Congratulations on being the first time a winning team breaks up the following year. In all seriousness, we wish last year's partner, Kowalchuck, a speeding recovery from a bad fall. Denny is another one of our long time residents who also sports a great fashion sense when it comes to golf attire. You will always know when he shows up, dressed to the nines with some flashy outfit. Once a 6 handicap, then an 18, now somewhere in-between, can he repeat with a new partner? Well let's see what happens. Team handicap: 19. Odds of winning best dressed: 100%. Odds of winning the tournament: 29-1.

RON FORSEN, 11 hcp

DIVISION III

KEVIN BLAIR, 3 hcp

Kevin and Lance Blair. No ladies, these two are not part of the boy band, NSYNC, but they do routinely visit the local Chuck E Cheese where they have domiated the 6-12 year old "Dance Dance Revolution" game. Some say they are unstoppable. With moves like Jagger and Spears, this twosome will send shivers down your spine. If only Kevin would have been a lawyer, we could have seen some great Blair & Blair TV adds. "Have you ever been injured by a golf ball or been made fun of on the golf course? If so, you may be entitled to compensation. We are here for you." Yeah right, they are here to win this tournament. But, these brothers couldn't be more opposite. One sporting a 4 handicap and the other way high up in the mountain tops with a 20. Yes folks, there is a 15 stroke differential and these guys have found their way to Division III. Kevin will be playing from a bigger deficit than the One Big Beautiful Bill and the other side of the scorecard hasn't seen this many dots since they found Helen Keller's diary. This one could be an interesting one to watch. Team handicap: 21. Odds of winning 9-1.

LANCE BLAIR, 18 hcp

TOM TRAHAN, 3 hcp

Well, well, well... look who decided to team up again? No it's not Batman & Robin, it's Sherlock Holmes & Dr. John Watson. For the last 50 years they have been looking for Waine's golf game. Tons of leads, clues, and close calls but still nothing. Will he find it this year? Anything is possible. Heck, who are we kidding? If he does find it, keep him away from anything that requires activity so he doesn't hurt himself. Trahan on the other hand is coming off of a career high of 95 in the US Open to a career low just weeks later with a 68. This guy's game is as up and down as a Duncan yoyo. Will he find that cool swing with the 95 inch driver? Yes, folks we checked. Its legal, but barely. Team handicap: 21. Odds of winning 22-1.

AIDEN WAINE, 18 hcp

JEFF DARK, 6 hcp

"Have you seen my wedge?" "Anyone find a putter on #7?" "Do you have a tow rope, I forgot to plug in my golf cart." This year the Men's Club along with the tournament chairs have unanimously agreed and have allotted some of the sponsorship money to purchase 14 Apple airtags and a spare battery for Dark, aka Mr. Lost & Found. Now to his golf game, which of late has been pretty damn solid. Solid as an iceberg sitting in the Sahara Desert. Seriously, this guy's game has been spot on lately, posting a 72 just prior to the Invitational. but can he handle the 3 days of pressure? His prescription of Xanax is on order and he will need it when teaming up again with Saline, who lately been missing in action. Some say he's been traveling the world looking for ways to gain distance on his driver, others have spotted him fishing up in the San Juans finding new meditation techniques to make it through the 3-day event with Dark. None the less, Dark and Saline are a formidable team that could quite possibly make it into the finals. That is if Dark can forgo the "mental midget" blunders that sometimes occur during his game. Keep a close on these guys. Just add tequila and this could be a sleeper for sure. Team handicap: 16. Odds of winning 25-1.

PAUL SALINE, 16 hcp

MATT AITKEN, 7 hcp

Where do we begin with this brotherly twosome? Do we start with the golf game? Nah, that would be boring! The bigger questions are will Delery make it to day 2 or will Aitken go Deathstar and run the tables? All we can say is these two-time prior champions always find their way into the finals. Aitken is coming in hot off a posted 74 in Suncadia, and Delery, well let's just say he's been "preoccupied" (you can fill in the blank here) and hasn't played in a while. Better make a few runs to Costco and buy all the Bodhizafa you can find; its gonna be a long, wild, and crazy weekend. Team handicap: 24. Odds of winning 16-1.

JUSTIN DELERY, 17 hcp

JEFF WELLS, 12 hcp

Meet Team “Par-Timers” with Wells as team captain / fairway philosopher. Wells knows every blade of grass on the course and has nicknames for half of them. He is master of the ceremonial “first swing shank”. Wells has been a Tamo member since the Reagan administration and plays with the confidence of a man who once beat a crow to claim hole #4. Known for using phrases like “back in my day, golf balls were made of wood,” he takes pride in choosing partners based purely on entertainment value over skill. Speaking of, his partner, Nguyen, is his rotational wingman and occasional ball finder. Every year Nguyen patiently waits 364 days for “The Call” to see if Wells is going to extend the Invitational invite. He has an encyclopedic memory of every year he wasn’t invited. Nguyen is the kind of guest who doesn’t just bring good vibes—he brings bug spray, extra tees, and a PowerPoint presentation on why he should’ve been invited last year. Despite being ghosted by the invite list more times than he can count, his loyalty never waivers. When he finally gets the nod, he shows up with a brand-new visor and an emotional support driver. Unmatched. Wells provides the stage, Nguyen brings the laughs (and occasionally the cooler). Together, they average 2 birdies and 7 philosophical debates per round. Team handicap: 24. Odds of winning 29-1.

DON NGUYEN, 12 hcp

MIKE BESSENYEY, 13 hcp

JOHN SCHIFFMAN, 12 hcp

Welcome back to this repeat team seeking an Invitational win. Bessenyey plays golf like he’s defusing a bomb—slow, steady, and with a lot of whispering. He’s methodical to the point of madness, once taking 12 minutes to line up a 1-foot putt (he missed). He’s the only guy who practices his pre-shot routine in the mirror. But when he’s dialed in, he’s a fairway-seeking missile with the emotional range of a granite countertop. Schiffman's golf game is fueled by nostalgia and muscle memory. He’s played this course more times than he’s brushed his teeth (his words, not ours). He gives unsolicited advice like, “Don’t trust the slope on 8—it’s a liar.” His swing is inconsistent, but his confidence is generational. If you need a ruling, a ruling on a ruling, or a story about the time he saw a crow steal a hot dog on hole 4, Schiffman’s your guy. One plays by feel, the other by formula. Together, they’re a GPS-enabled nostalgia machine with a 50/50 chance of greatness and a motto of "We grow. We go. We three-putt slow". Team handicap: 25. Odds of winning 22-1.

DIVISION IV

KEVIN KUNKA, 18 hcp

Here come Kunka and Dixon. "Defying logic, gravity, and course rules since 2017.” Kunka has a handicap so high even dispensories can't keep up with him.. Kunka's strengths are missing fairways but finding miracles and has a sixth sense for ricochet shots off trees, carts, and once, a squirrel. He believes every ball deserves a second chance... and third...
Kunka’s golf strategy involves vibes, mild panic, and a sacred pre-round ritual involving bacon. He’s the only player to birdie a hole while simultaneously asking what a birdie is.
Kunka's partner, Dixon, is more of an emotional support golfer and known as the Closer. He has been known to deliver motivational quotes stolen from fortune cookies.
Dixon’s approach to golf? “Swing big, apologize later.” He keeps his clubs alphabetized and his expectations low. Known for clinching wins when nobody’s watching and confusing opponents with his victory dance, which is just jumping while yelling “We did it again!” Despite the odds, he’s a two-time champ—though both wins are still under investigation. Their team motto is "It’s not luck... it’s statistical sabotage." Unbelievably effective when the planets align and gravity gets bored. If you see them teeing off, bet on chaos, bet on comedy—and somehow... bet on a win. Team handicap: 25. Odds of winning 17-1.

DON DIXON, 7 hcp

DAVE CHARLES, 11 hcp

Gentlemen, start your engines! It's a damn shame that Charles and Ford aren't swingers and don't swap partners for this event. Ford & Ferrari? Are you kidding me, we could have written a damn good epilogue for this one. None-the-less the twosome of Charles & Ferrari are back at it. Has anyone seen Bigfoot recently? It has been rumored that he has been seen more on the golf course than Charles lately. Although two months ago Charles hit his first hole-in-one! Shanked off the hozzel, hit a rock, then another rock, bounced off a pigeon, through the golf cart windshield, then ricocheted off of Nightengale's golf ball. Heard it was better than the miracle hockey game back in the 80's. In all seriousness, congratulations! Will more hole outs continue? Will both of these guys find their way into the winners circle? There's a chance. There's always a chance. Llyod said it best, "Like one In a million. Yes, so you are saying there's a chance." Team handicap: 26. Odds of winning 21-1.

DOMINIC FERRARI, 15 hcp

ROB HOWIE, 13 hcp

Seacon has a new company name with these two: The Demo Bros. “Building birdies and breaking dreams—mostly our own.” Howie is the project manager of questionable swing mechanics. He knows how to lay concrete AND lay down excuses. He uses phrases like “drive it like a skid loader” and thinks “course etiquette” is how you talk to your golf cart. Howie has been managing commercial builds for hundreds of years and treats the golf course like a job site. He carries blueprints for the next green renovation (unsolicited) and insists that water hazards are just “opportunities for drainage improvements.” His retirement plan includes golfing daily and never replacing his 1996 driver “because it’s broken in right.” Power, on the other hand, is the in-house swing analyst and beverage procurement lead. Power refers to all sand traps as “material staging areas” and brings a level, a tape measure, and 14 clubs he never uses. Power treats every round like a final walkthrough. He’s got punch lists for his punch shots and spreadsheets tracking who owes what in side bets. His idea of retirement? “Hitting fairways and dodging client calls.” Together, their team motto is "Measure twice, swing once...then swing three more times just to be sure." Howie brings the vision, Power brings the invoices, and together they bring a lot of questionable decisions on hole #7. Can this 2019 winning team reclaim the title? Team handicap: 26. Odds of winning: 19-1.

DAVID POWER, 13 hcp

DAN PETERSON, 19 hcp

If Huey Lewis and the News had written their song "Power of Love" about Peterson and Grady instead, it might go something like this:
The power of golf is a curious thing.
Make a one man weep, make another man sing.
Change a bogey to a little gross birdie.
More than a feeling; that's the power of golf.

You don't need money, don't take fame.
Don't need no lessons to learn how to aim.
It's zig and it's zag and it's cruel sometimes.
But it might just save your life.
That's the power of golf.

Team handicap: 26. Odds of winning 12-1.

JIM GRADY, 7 hcp

TRAVIS DAHL, 18 hcp

Gentlemen, we are not sure if this tournament is ready for this twosome. These two Southpark chararcters have managed somehow to make it back into the tournament. Is it their golf game? Absolutely not! Is it their spirit? Not a snowballs chance in hell! Is it their sponsorship? Some could say that, but either way these two guys always make a great addition to the field. We have heard Bronder, aka "BGA", recently accepted a new position as head cafeteria lunch person at the Redmond elementary schoool. Students were jumping up and down and can't wait for the chicken suprise and tuna casserole. In all seriousness Bronder is a stick, sports a respectable handicap, and plays out of Tacoma Country Club. His real job is in medical sales where he as been ripping off the elderly for the past 20 years selling overpriced knees, hips, and other body parts that may need replacing. Oh wait, we may need one of those soon. Now onto his partner Dahl. What is there to say abou this guy? Well there is a lot, but we are running out of room. Dahl has a handicap higher than Sean Penn from Fast Times at Ridgmont High, wins more money in skin's games than "Hollywood" from How to Rob a Bank, and might just be the nicest guy outside of Mr. Rogers. Team hanidcap: 28. Odds of winning 13-1.

JAKE BRONDER, 10 hcp

HENRY DIXON, 17 hcp

The twosome includes yet another former Tamo resident, Lykken. The two were brought together in holy matrimony by the mutual friendship of thier daughters. Lykken, as stated, is a former resident who still sports between a 9-14 handicap. Yeah right, anyone who has played Tamo will certainly have an advantage and shoot lower than most guests. As an avid F1 race fan, Lykken had to give up the dream of once rubbing tires with Michael Schumacker because of the excessive parking tickets he recieved over the past 10 years. He now flies for Alaska Airlines where he single handedly goes out each morning to inspect each rivet ensuring they are welded correctly for the safety of his passengers. We did hear his favorite movie was Airplane and favorite sitcom was Leave it to Beaver which led him to achieve a minor from Duke University is speaking "Jive". That's right Turkey! Now we shift our focus to Mr. Dixon, who rivals another one of our members for the most well decorated dresser of the club. Let's just cut to the chase... were Dixon and John Daily twins separated at birth? Not sure who has a more eclectic wardrobe, Dixon or Liberace. Dixon's game is coming into form and if memory serves us correctly, he has won a few tournaments lately. Can this be the year for a newcomer to take home the hardware? If you are a betting person, might be the team to focus on. Team handicap: 30. Odds of winning 27-1.

JON LYKKEN, 13 hcp

DIVISION V

TODD CAMPBELL, 12 hcp

Well lookie who returned to join us. Welcome back to the Campbell, aka O'Doyle Rules, brothers which is pure entertainment in itself. Lock up the China cabinet because these boys are at it again. The older of the two, Todd, is coming in with a brand new swing, fresh off the 52 others he's had this year. Can he get his chipping down? Can he remember odds & evens for alternate shot? Will he hole out on #6 again from 285 yards? Or will the younger of the two, Ryan, find his game coming all the way from the outskirts of Braeburn -- clear across 24th Street? There have been rumors floating around that Ryan has been seen at the local putt putt course the last couple of weeks working on his game. This is going to be a fun one to watch folks. Team handicap: 31. Odds of winning 18-1.

RYAN CAMPBELL, 19 hcp

MARK GREGOV, 14 hcp

This year's tournament is set to start on July 16th and finish on the 19th. With this twosome we may need to extend a week to get all of the rounds in. We think if a sloth and a turtle started to golf as the kick off on the first hole, even they would finish before this team. Gregov, who is no stranger to tournament play, is looking to find another level to his game. Can he do it? Some say yes and some say hell no, but who are we to judge? He's picked up a newbie, long time supporter/booster/sponsor of the Men's Club Invitational but nobody seems to know anything about Crozier's golf game. We've checked Google, Bing, run his name through AI and nothing. Does he exist or is the money coming in from some laundered business located in the mid Atlantic? What we do know is that Crozier, who often pretends to bartend, loves his cocktails like he loves his golf game: overly strong and slightly off center. Catch his hosted tent on #6 and grab a drink. We're going to need it waiting for these two to finish their hole. Team handicap: 35. Odds of winning 35-1.

TOM CROZIER, 21 hcp

BRADLEY BARROWS, 16 hcp

Here comes Team Lawn & Disorderlies. One green thumb, one adrenaline junkie—zero recent trophies. Barrows is known as "The Compost King of the #3 Tee Box". He reads greens like he reads seed catalogs—passionately, but incorrectly. He brings his own herbal iced tea in a thermos labeled “Miracle Grow”. We heard he once tried to replace a divot with heirloom kale. Barrows' short game is as unpredictable as his backyard irrigation system. When he’s not tending to his award-winning Gnome collection, he’s out on the course insisting that “golf is just landscaping with consequences.” Schulte is known as the human GoPro. He can rappel down a ravine to retrieve a ball in under 30 seconds. Schulte doesn't believe cleats are for golf, he wears them “just in case there’s a rock wall”. Together, they’re a botanical hurricane of missed putts, wild drives, and occasional brilliance. Looking for the elusive tournament win repeat, If they ever win again, it’ll be because the course ran out of other teams—or fertilizer. Team handicap: 36. Odds of winning 50-1.

ZACH SCHULTE, 20 hcp

DOUG SCHULTE, 14 hcp

We are guessing all of you have heard of the Three Stooges. Well these guys may have been the predecessors to that dynamic threesome. Schulte has just surpassed Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg as the world's richest individual; as of last week became the majority share holder in Jack Daniels, Inc. His game is so smooth, it's like driving down West Lake Sammamish after a Lego truck crashed and lost its load. Just make sure his tee time is somewhere between 10AM and noon, he should be ready to go. Where do we start with Litchfield, no not LYNCHfield -- he doesn't eat skittles and his golf game is far from a Beast Mode. It's more of a "Set It and forget it" like the RonCo Food Dehydrator. Nothing fancy, is as bland as oatmeal or khaki socks, gets the job done but will you remember it? Your damn strait you'll remember it. These guys were in the finals last year, looking pretty damn good until, well, let's just say a few mishaps. Dougie #1 is ready to bring home the hardware. Look out for these two. Team handicap: 37. Odds of winning 24-1.

JOHN LITCHFIELD, 23 hcp

BRIAN NASH, 19 hcp

Nash and Peterson, one of the greatest love ballad duo's of all time. Oh wait, that was "Air Supply". These guys are no stranger to playing together, nor are they to the Invitational. One would think that Nash, an acclaimed tennis star and coach, would have God-given natural abilities to just stripe the golf ball. Well, let's just say he's no Bo Jackson as a multi sport phenom. However he has managed to break below the 20 digit handicap to a year low of 19.3. He has it in him, that's if he can layoff the 90210 reruns and put more practice time in at the range. His partner, Peterson, the brother of the other Peterson who takes everyone's money in golf and poker, has his brother by a 3-stroke differential. Peterson, was an acclaimed ping-pong champion back in college who has amazing eye hand coordination and once took down Forest Gump in the late 90's. All we can say is, you had to be there. He too has dropped a few strokes off his game with a 19 handicap. Will these guys win it all? Its in the genes so don't let these guys sneak up on you. Team handicap: 38. Odds to win set at 32-1.

MARK PETERSON, 19 hcp

GLEN LOWE, 15 hcp

And landing in the bottom of the divisional and field rankings... oh boy, here we go again. Cheech and Chong getting ready to smoke the field or the doobie? Oh wait, this is Lowe & Chong, the Bulgogyieieie, aka Karrrbiii brothers. These guys are no stranger to tournaments, the last one they teamed up in down in PGA West, they destroyed the field by something like 30 strokes. You are reading this correctly, the heavens aligned, the waters parted, hell froze over, and pigs started to fly. Granted, it was a division full of 60-year old women. Lowe approaches golf like a NASA launch—meticulous, overthought, and somehow still off by 30 yards. He’s the only player who brings a whiteboard to the driving range. His swing? Statistically improbable. His confidence? Statistically unjustified. But when the numbers align, he’s a force of nerdy nature. Chong has the energy of a caffeinated squirrel and the focus of a golden retriever at a fireworks show. His golf game is 80% muscle, 20% intimidation, and 0% finesse. He once did burpees between holes “to stay loose.” His backswing looks like a tactical maneuver, and his putting stance has been described as “aggressively patriotic.” He doesn’t read greens—he interrogates them. Their motto? "Victory is just a well-modeled hypothesis away." Can these guys be stopped? Only the Invitational will tell. Make sure to put a little wager on these guys come Calcutta time. Team handicap: 40. Odds of winning 12-1.

JOHN CHONG, 25 hcp